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Found these Prince of Darkness jokes on the 'net.
Most are very old but still have the ring of truth to them.

Enjoy,

Jim



* The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"

* Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

* Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

* The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

* The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

* "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

* Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

* Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

* Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

* Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

* Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

* Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
 

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Veloce,

I've always heard horror stories about Lucas and now, with my build, I may have opportunity to experience a little bit of it. Its a great posting. It had a mixed effect on me - humor and absolute fear. But, for the most part, I LMAO!

Hank J.
 

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My first car was a 1956 MGA. It had one recurring problem with the Lucas fuel pump. It would quit, but with a rap from a rubber mallet I carried behind the seat, it would start again and run for days. I got good enough at the procedure that when the car died at speed (50 or so) I could reach behind the seat, grab the mallet, lift the cover behind the seats (left unfastened) and get the pump running before coming to a stop.

Years later I read an article in Autoweek by a writer by the name of Crash Carlson about Lucas electrics and he described the same procedure, only he used a rock to bash to pump. A funny article that I kept and will try to locate and share.
 

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There is a great article out there that explains that lucas components don't operate on electricity.
They operate on smoke. The writer deduced that this had to be true becuse his car would always stop after all of the smoke had leaked out of his wiring and components. I would love to get another copy.
jack
 

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What is the speed of dark?
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I had a 65 MGB, Lucas starter solenoid, and 3 pound rock stashed behind the passenger seat.... The rock never failed to start the solenoid, which started the car! :D

"Englishmen drink warm beer only because they own Lucas refrigerators"

mikee

 

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The favorite part of my Morgan's electrical system was the fuse box. One fuse for everything that worked with the key off, one fuse for everything that worked with the key on, and one nickle to jump it out and make everything work all the time.
 

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True Story:
My friends and I piled into my '58 Hillman Minx and headed for a remote part of the lake to swim.
Got there and when we got out there was the hissing sound of a tire going down. One looked kind of low, must be that one.
Panic, no spare, and a couple of miles back to gas station. All pile in and go like a bat out of hell to ge back before it goes flat.
Get to station. All tires are fine. Still have hissing sound.
Open hood, hissing sound is generator spinning pulley in slightly loose fan belt.
Pop cover off of voltage regulator, points stuck.
HIt it with screwdriver handle. Hissing stopped. Mystery solved.
 
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