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Premium Member
10,830 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
> As the holidays approach, my heartfelt
> appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
> time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past
> 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
> blessed, and wealthy.
> Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*!
> in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a
> wet towel every time I need to seal an
> envelope.
> Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
> Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
> who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
> "Under God" on their cans.
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
> causes cancer.
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
> I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
> drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
> I no longer receive nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
> me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
> with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
> Uzbekistan.
> I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are
> actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> feathers.
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
> once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
> I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
> Marcus since I now have their recipe.
> I no longer worry about my soul because at last count
> I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
> prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
> and make a wish within five minutes.
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
> sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the
> 1,387,258th time)
> I no longer have any money at all - but that will
> change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates is
> sending me for
> participating in his special email program.
> Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for
> me that I will now return the
> favor!
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a
> wicked case of diarrhea will use your head for target
> practice at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon.
> (I know this will occur because it actually happened
> to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's who is a
> beautician, or was that a person in training down at
> the kennel?...huhhhemmm!.)

Happy New Year
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