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post #31 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 01:48 AM
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Give her Greyhound bus fare to the nearest USMC recruiter and wave goodbye. Tough, but effective. She'll hate you now, but She'll thank you later.

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post #32 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 03:04 AM
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post #33 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 03:08 AM
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Give her Greyhound bus fare to the nearest USMC recruiter and wave goodbye. Tough, but effective. She'll hate you now, but She'll thank you later.

and if it turns out she hates you now and later at least she'll be hating you from afar
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post #34 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 04:05 AM
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I would agree military, but my brother (half) went in the Army at 18, did 4-5 years and now at 40 is the same or worse as he was before. He was good for a few years after, but has steadily gone down hill and my dad has let him do it. He is a large part of the reason my parents are divorced. With the exception of a few vehicles bought or leased during his military time, he has never purchased a vehicle on his own. My dad has bought him in the neighborhood of 12-15 cars through the years. He currently drives the truck that my dad bought me when I was 15. I let him have it back to give to him to get him off my back when he was hounding me for money to pay my brother's back taxes on the house that he got for free which he has almost lost 3 times and can't keep the lights on in since he hasn't worked since 07. By choice. So far it's the only vehicle he has managed to keep longer than a year, but it is trashed. He ruined the wheels that were on it which were my graduation present and what I got instead of a class ring, then scrapped them without telling me. I could go on for days, but I will tell you this. If you enable her it will cause problems with your other girls. My sister and I as well as the majority of my family have a lot of resentment not only towards him, but also my dad for allowing it. There is a huge double standard that none of us understand and it is turning into a problem. Don't let yours get that far.
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post #35 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 05:30 AM
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Cut her loose and let her discover what it's like to be an adult and be responsible for her actions
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post #36 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 10:43 AM
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I have to agree with Techie.

There are a lot of other Self-destructive behaviors that would qualify as a "nightmare".

That said, this one is driving you NUTS but - it shouldn't be your problem.... and you don't need to be enabling her any more at this point.

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Get a job and pay board, or,
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get a trade, or,
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I don't think a few dead semi-beater cars qualifies as a 'NIGHTMARE' in a stepdaughter scenario...

I'd be much more worried about your statement above...an unplanned grandkid is going to cost you a LOT more (both in $ and family stress) than a fried '04 Jetta... :-(

All for the making her bike/mass transit type solutions...but not sure totally kicking her out will prove to be a wise long-term solution.

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post #37 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 02:03 PM
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My wife did an amazing job raising 3 beautiful girls as a single parent.
Seems to me that anything posted would have to pass through your denial filter, making it highly unlikely that any quality advice would make it through.
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post #38 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 02:34 PM
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Time to cut her lose. As others have said, as long as you keep enabling her she won't learn a thing. Cut her off and let her fend for herself. I have a step brother who is the same way. My step father enabled him for years until my mother finally gave him an ultimatum. After that he has been up and down but it hasn't cost my parents a single dime since.

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post #39 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 02:35 PM
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Similar issue, but it wasnt my daughter trashing cars it was her boyfriend (now husband). I refused to let him near any of my vehicles (I let her drive a vehicle, all she was responsible for was maintenance). She also worked at my business making pretty good money for a high school kid, and eventually let her work there into college.
Once their engagement was official and they moved in together, I yanked the car much to her displeasure. Never stopped loving her, but no way I would let that terror drive one of my vehicles, he wrecks everything he drives, literally within days.
This led to a lot of tension and her eventually quitting her cushy job and resorting to restaurant jobs that paid little, crappy hours and less than desirable living conditions because it was all they could afford. Eventually she came back to work with a much better attitude and more responsibility than I could imagine.

Unless kids get a taste of the real world, it is very difficult for them to understand just how tough the world can be. You can nudge them out of the nest and not be cruel and still love them all the while.


P.S. I still don't let them drive any of my vehicles.

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post #40 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 02:36 PM
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Seems to me that anything posted would have to pass through your denial filter, making it highly unlikely that any quality advice would make it through.
That's a little harsh, don't you think, especially since none of us know all the details and are looking at this from 50,000 feet?

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post #41 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 02:56 PM
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That's a little harsh, don't you think, especially since none of us know all the details and are looking at this from 50,000 feet?
I do not think it was harsh at all, he already knew he should cut her off a bunch of people telling him what he already knows most likely will go on death ears.
Not saying anything bad but the right thing is not always the easiest thing to do.

If you have to help them move in, you will have to help them move out.
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post #42 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 04:41 PM
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BTW, I didn't mean to imply a pass either or that you should go out and get her another car. As a kid we had sort of a mixed deal, parents kept a beater that was available for my sister and I in high school, but it certainly wasn't my car. When I was 17 I wanted my own car and bought a 65 Rustang that needed more love and TLC then one could imagine, but dang it, it was my car!

At 22, she is old enough to buy her own car and or have a car payment.

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post #43 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 05:28 PM
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Regarding the Jetta, it's toast.

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post #44 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 10:12 PM
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Unfortunately, a car to almost all women is simply a means to get from point A to point B, turn the key and press the pedal that makes it go. I swear that my wife starts the car in gear because it's moving before she releases the key. Every body panel is damaged in some way and it's either I don't know how that happened or someone else hit it in the parking lot. It was a pristine 2006 Maxima when I gave it to her for her birthday. In 21 years of marriage she's never driven or asked to drive my vehicles.

As far as stepdaughter issues - good luck, man.

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post #45 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 10:50 PM
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I have a step daughter and she was a "real handfull" so I feel your pain. The biggest problem is getting your wife on the same page as you so some tough love can be handed out. In my case the step daughter felt abandoned by her father (because she was). She was fine until the wife and I had our son and then the fires of Hell ignited. She loved her brother but went out of her way to do anything she could (and I mean anything) to make things nearly impossible to be a family. Almost caused us to get a divorce, then my wife finally came around and laid down the law and sent her to counseling. She was considerably younger than your step daughter so I don't know that the situation is even remotely similar but I think you cut her off to a point and she will either sink or swim. Just pray she swims.

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post #46 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-28-2013, 11:17 PM
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That's a little harsh, don't you think?
Absolutely agree. Like the rest of life, reality often is.
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post #47 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 02:58 AM
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Some parents who take enabling to the extreme do as much harm to their children as being viciously abusive. You scar the children by giving them a belief that everyone owes them something. They will never learn to live on their own and leech off of society. You will do what you feel is right, but do what is best for her when she retires, not what is best for her in the next 30 minutes.
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post #48 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 03:37 AM
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Cut her off NOW! My brother is 45 years old and is still sponging off my willing mother because she allows it. DON'T BE AN ENABLER!

Maybe do one last thing for her. Driver her to the Navy recruiter's office and participate in the discussion. Then leave her there and change your locks...again.
I have an uncle like that that is still mooching off his dead parent's estate!

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post #49 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 11:07 AM
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Skunk, Have you thought of helping find a well paying job? I hear that Rachel's, Cleo's and Cabaret International are all hiring for the summer. No I'm not trying to be a smart ass, legitimate jobs with good $$ for someone willing to put in the effort.
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post #50 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 08:37 PM
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She must be cute. Only cute people can do this much damage and still be accepted by friends/family.
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post #51 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 08:56 PM
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post #52 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 09:13 PM
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Tough position to be in Keith. I'm assuming she came down to Miami for Winter Music Conference and/or Ultra Fest. Miami is a crazy town when this event is in town.

I'd usually never interfere with people's family lives, but since you asked, here is my advice.

Cut her off financially, and totally!!!!! Hopefully your wife will be onboard with that, as that is usually the toughest battle.

Dan said it best with his definition of Insanity. So true.

Good luck Keith, you are going to need it. Girls that age sure can be a handful. One more word of advice. Make sure she's on birth control if you can at all possible!!!

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post #53 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-29-2013, 09:29 PM
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Let me see. My daughter is 40 and I'm proud to say she has graduated with honors from rehab (3 times). Has only been arrested 2 times. The other time the cops couldn't catch her. Last car my husband gave her, pretty brand new, paid off, she GAVE to the bail bondsman to get her out of jail and explained to me with a straight face how horrible it was to spend one night there. DCF has taken her two little children away twice for doing I'm not sure what. I've tried tough love, no love, buy her everything just not to see her, inbetween love but what the hey... she could be my stepdaughter and it would be just a little worse but probably less heartache.

On the other hand, I have done some pretty crazy things in my life and my father (GOD) has tried all these same approaches with me but always takes me back. Cheer up, sooner or later someone will marry her and she'll be their problem. Unfortunately, my daughter married one just like her so that was a pretty crazy few years while that last with the other two daughters husbands being cops.

There is probably no right or wrong and I'm trying to be funny but every family has it so I hope you found a little relief.

Three kids can grow up in the same household and be polar opposites so don't blame yourself. Hang tight to your wife. One day it will just be the two of you.

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post #54 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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I guess history does repeat itself

Almost exactly 4 years later:

We did kick her out of the house. My wife bought her a beater but mechanically sound Ford Focus. She moved in with a friend and then met a guy and moved in with him. He is a great guy and was great for her. She was exercising, eating well, very active with outdoor activities, I enjoyed hanging out with him etc. Her laziness, sloppiness drove him nuts but he put up with her. She ends up cheating on him and he broke up with her about a year ago. He kicked her out of his house and with no place to go she broke into our vacant rental home and moved her crap in. I kicked her out of there and she moved from friend to friend. The last friend house caught on fire, her dog was killed, she lost some of her stuff so my wife mistakenly allowed her to stay in our rental for 2 months. Shortly after that we get a call from her at 3AM - she wrecked her car (no alcohol thankfully) but she doesn't have the $125 to her name to pay the tow truck driver. We told her to figure it out and I suppose she did. Two months is now 10 months and she is refusing to leave. I went to the house and it is a mess - garbage disposal clogged, clothing strewn all over the place. Mostly clean but just a mess. I turned the power and water off which got her attention. I turned it back on giving her 2 final weeks. Of course 2 weeks is up and she is still in there. Electric and water go off Monday. No sense changing the locks - she will break in and change them back. I wanted to alarm the house but my wife does not want the police involved. I have some stuff in storage in the house so I am having someone go in tomorrow to clear everything out - her stuff included.

So here we are 4 years later:
No car - no money to fix it
No place to live - and probably fewer friends to sponge off
No job skills
No education

This status is all of her Mother's fault of course. The dog's death is my fault.

Moral to the story - hug your kids if they are on the right track

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post #55 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:51 PM
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No personal experience (thankfully), and this might be overstepping my boundary....but I watch the show Intervention enough to see that there is always an enabler that allows this type of behavior to continue.

If you can't convince your wife to stop bailing her out, the problem will never go away. Your wife may need some counseling to learn how to stop being the enabler...then maybe life will get better for everyone.

I subscribe to the 'happy wife - happy life' manta as much as anyone, but at some point, this is going to wind up causing resentment in your marriage (I know it would frustrate me to the point of blaming my wife for it) and that can't be good for you guys.

Good luck and I hope your step-daughter learns to grow-up one day soon.

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post #56 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:55 PM
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I have a friend with a daughter that sounds just like yours except add 4 kids by 3 different men on top.

So, if you do figure out a solution let me know, I will pass it on.

sorry I couldn't be of more help.
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post #57 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 04:37 PM
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I understand the issues, but also honestly at 22 and being a woman, I don't really know that I would expect her to diagnose and get repaired the car when its leaking fluids. (sorry to the girls out there.) I try to get into my wives car and drive it at least once a month to see what is going on with it because I know damn well she won't tell me if a light comes on or if its making a noise. She isnt a dumb woman, she just isnt mechanical at all and doesn't think in terms of that sound is an indication of a larger problem. If no one has ever taught the 22yr old different, I would expect her brain works the same, its over heating, I put fluid in it, and drove it. The expectation for them is that the car is going to do what its supposed to do and someone else needs to help maintain their vehicles.
I get my two girls (29 and 25) and now my Son's fiance (23) to do their own maintenance on their cars (under my supervision of course - this actually started once they got their drivers licenses, they had to help me do the maintenance on the family cars) This includes, oil changes, brakes, rotating tires, tune-ups, etc.
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post #58 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 04:46 PM
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It's a judgment call, but once you feel she might be coming around to appreciating the value of a $ and having a roof over her head, maybe try some incentives for self betterment?

If the house isn't being rented anyway, then she could be doing you a service by keeping unknown transients from trashing the place. The other thing to think about is, how much are you willing to spend to get the situation worked out?

If it's costing you less than nothing to let her stay there, maybe say something like, "look we understand you have a need for a place to live, but we are not going to allow you to live in what is supposed to be an income producing property for free. Water, electricity, taxes, etc all cost something and we are not going to pay your way...unless you are ready to understand and accept those realities and to also do something to make yourself a better person." Then maybe consider allowing her to stay there but with very specific requirements for behavior and schooling.

In other words, if she is ready, try and encourage her to make something of her life. This will not work if she does not have respect for you and your wife and an appreciation of the value of a dollar.

It worked for me.

Good luck.


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post #59 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:17 PM
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It's a judgment call, but once you feel she might be coming around to appreciating the value of a $ and having a roof over her head, maybe try some incentives for self betterment?


In other words, if she is ready, try and encourage her to make something of her life. This will not work if she does not have respect for you and your wife and an appreciation of the value of a dollar.

It worked for me.

Good luck.
I wont go into my personal experience but similar between my 2. You can lead a horse to water but you can make um drink. Until she is ready to change you have to let her go. Mother's have problems with this, seems some dads can do this me included.

It may or may not be wife's fault, some youth today have zero motivation to better them selves. I dont get but I accept it as not my fault or problem after about 25 yrs.

I wish you the best.

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post #60 of 134 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:18 PM
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I feel for you. There are no easy answers on this kind of thing and the only person who can help her is herself. It's painful for everyone around them to see this and it does affect others. Some of these behaviors can be a type of mental illnesses but they are hard to identify and treat. Hope it gets better, for the sake of everyone affected.

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